The Legendary Panty Snatcher
by QueenWaffles
Summary: Somebody is stealing Edea's designer panties, and she is determined to catch the thief and serve justice, no matter what the cost.
1. Shopping Like a Queen

Author's Note:

This is just a quick break from my ongoing story. I wanted to write a short, funny and ridiculous one to mix things up, just a quick little two sitting to write story. I have all the chapters written so I'll be putting them all up very quickly. :)

I am not exactly sure if this is considered a crackfic, because I'm still relatively new to the fanfiction community and its standards, but I think it teeters on the edge.

I hope you all get a good laugh. Or at least some kind of reaction.

* * *

><p>Ringabel looked at the price tag and shuddered in fear. "Edea, are you sure you're not drunk? You did make me order that exotic wine at the restaurant, after all."<p>

"Ringabel!" Edea snapped, picking up a pink, skimpy, and lacy fifteenth pair of panties from Florem's designer line _Angels of the Earth. _"I'll have you know I have an extremely high alcohol tolerance. You and Tiz would be lying on the floor vomiting before I would even feel the slightest bit tipsy."

Ringabel leaned against the clothing shop's wall, his earring gleaming in its bright lights. "Well, still. These are 25,000 PG apiece, you realize?"

"Of course I do." She bobbed her head, grinning mischievously, her blonde curls and red and black bow moving with her. "But any _real _Casanova knows no price too high for the sake of a girl."

"But I don't have bottomless pockets, especially after you ordered half the items off the menu for lunch. I really cannot afford all of this."

"Well that's a shame. You'll never win any hearts acting like that." She turned around and strode toward the shop's door, making her way through stacks and shelves of expensive clothing, her black boots clicking loudly as she did so. She pushed open the door, bells on it ringing, and slowly began to trudge out.

"Wait, Edea!" Ringabel shouted, pulling a sack of money from his black pants pocket. "I'll…. buy them for you."

The girl turned around and dashed back to him, her face beaming.

"Oh thank you so much, Ringabel!" She cooed as she burrowed her face into his blue tunic with its poofy white collar and hugged him. "You're so sweet."

"Don't mention it….."

"And hey, do you mind if I pick up a few other things while we're here? I sure could use a new pair of gloves."

"God help me…."

"Thanks!" Edea squealed, giving him a small peck on the cheek as a token of gratitude, running off to an employee to ask if they carried leather gloves.

"Thank you, God," he whispered, lightly brushing his fingers over the spot on his face where her lips had touched, his cheeks turning rose red.

An hour and a half later, the two checked out and left the shop, the bill having come to a grand total of 675,000 PG, the clerk giving Ringabel a pitying look, undoubtedly knowing the situation he had gotten himself tangled in. Edea was absolutely delighted, and the poor boy was scraping the bottoms of his pockets. It was early evening by then, and they returned to the hotel where they each went to their separate rooms to rest. On her way to her room, Edea knocked on Tiz's and Agnes's doors and yelled "Goodnight!" to each of them.

She didn't realize how tired she had been until she laid down on her bed. Almost immediately she fell asleep, not bothering to put away her purchases or change her clothes


	2. Stolen

Morning came and radiant beams of sunlight filtered through the room's window, putting a gentle warm touch on Edea's face. She sat up and yawned, throwing off the fluffy covers, when she noticed something was wrong with her shopping bag. It looked like it had been moved or somebody had touched it. Sure enough, when she looked inside, her gloves, shirts, and dresses were still there, but she saw that there were only fourteen pairs of underwear in it, not fifteen.

She jumped out of bed in a fit of rage, not bothering to comb her hair or wash her face, and stomped down to Ringabel's door. She forcefully banged her fists against the door, threatening to punch a hole straight through it, until he opened it with a startled expression on his face.

"WHO THE HELL STOLE MY PANTIES?"

Tiz and Agnes looked up from a shoddy table in the room, having been in the middle of breakfast and a conversation. The group had decided to meet in Ringabel's room in the morning to discuss their plans for the road to Hartschild, their next stop on their journey. But Edea was a very late sleeper, so they had started the meeting without her.

"Edea," Ringabel said, "Please calm down. I'm sure you just miscounted them, and they're all there."

"NO! I COUNTED THEM THREE TIMES, AND THERE IS A PAIR MISSING!" She screamed and pouted. A guest walking down the hallway shot her a disgusted look.

"Tiz and I have no idea what you're talking about," Agnes piped up from the table, Tiz nodding his head in agreement. "But to think you'd be so indulgent as to buy so much and then to become so angry, perhaps you should not do that again."

"See?" Ringabel spoke. "They have no idea you even have them. And I swear I didn't touch them. How could I have? You're the only one of us with a key to your room. And as much as I _love _the ladies, I do not love their undergarments that much"

"Mrgrgr," she muttered as she tramped back to her room, not bothering to reply.

_It was probably that pervert of a receptionist, _she thought. _He hits on me every time I walk by the desk. I bet he saw my bag and thought I bought something kinky._

Later on in the day, before they checked out of the hotel, she brought up her accusations, only to for the man to deny them and reassure her that the hotel staff respected its guests' privacy and belongings.

During the course of their journey to Hartschild, Edea kept a very close watch on all her possessions, and none of them went missing.

_So it was him, and he was just lying. Sick guy._

Upon arriving in Hartschild, the group took lodging at the town's inn, every member once again getting a separate room. Edea went to bed confident that her panties were now safe from thieves. She even hid them at the very bottom of the room's dresser, covered by the rest of her clothes and the cheap soap the inn provided.

It came as a very aggravating surprise to her when she awoke the next morning to find herself with only thirteen pairs.

The following day she was down to twelve.

The day after that, she had eleven.

Thereafter, ten were left.

Each day yielded accusations, yelling, pouting, pointing, investigations, and absolutely no results. Her friends assured her that she would get to the bottom of things eventually. They all offered to help her find and catch the thief, but she arrogantly declined it. "A girl like me takes help from nobody," she said. "I'm perfectly capable of doing this on my own."

She constantly complained to the desk, only to be told the same thing every time by the person working it.

A buff, brown bearded man with a tattoo of a shark on his arm told her: "Miss Lee, we assure you that are staff is morally straight and would never do such a thing. Never once have we had such an incident in the history of _Old Man Pete's _eighty- eight years of business. We keep a second key for each room only for emergency purposes. Otherwise they remain locked in a safe all day."

_I doubt it._

"Guys, I know what I'm going to do," she said to the group at dinner on the fourth night. "I'm going to stay up all night, and once that sneaky little bastard breaks into my room, I'm going to beat the living crap out of him."

"Good for you," Ringabel chirped, sipping a cup of tea, leaning on the hard wooden dining room table. "You go and do that. I like a strong woman."

"Edea," Agnes scolded, "Violence is not always the answer. Perhaps you can just talk with them and explain that what they are doing is wrong?"

"Yeah, Edea," Tiz added with a mouthful of turkey, dripping gravy on his brown belt and satchel, "I don't want us getting kicked out of here. Or arrested. We already all sort of have a bounty on our heads. If we end up in prison, there's no doubt that the Eternian forces will hear of it."

"Tell them what they're doing is wrong, don't get arrested." she mocked in a squeaky, irritating voice. "Bah. I don't let people push me around, Agnes. An eye for an eye is what I say."

"Well then let me assist you, so that this can be resolved peacefully."

"Absolutely not! I'm doing this myself!"

"And what if you fall asleep? Then you'll be a victim yet again."

Edea hadn't thought of that. It didn't take long or much for her to fall asleep, and she was a deep sleeper.

"Fine. Only because I don't want to lose anymore." She slammed her mug of beer down on the table, shaking plates and silverware. "Tonight will be the last night of the panty snatcher, and I will have my revenge."


	3. The Standoff

That night, around 10:00 PM, Agnes, wearing a plain green nightgown, knocked at her friend's door. Edea reluctantly opened it and plopped down on the bed, not having cared to change, clutching her bag of undergarments tightly to her chest so that no thief would ever get them off her. Agnes noticed she was wearing a scabbard on her back, and Ise no Kami was sheathed in it.

"Please don't tell me you plan to use that," Agnes said, gesturing toward the katana.

"It never hurts to be prepared. For all we know, this guy could be not just a pervert, but a psychopath, and once he realizes that his victim has caught him, he could try to mercilessly slaughter us."

"I really think all we're dealing with here is common scum, Edea. "

"Believe what you want," she murmured, "But you can never be too precautious."

Agnes shut the door and locked it, her brown hair waving from the tiny breeze it created. She sat down next to her friend and stared intently at the only entrance to the room, for unlike their rooms at the hotel in Florem, these were near the middle of the inn and had no windows, no other way for someone to come in.

The seconds, minutes, and hours passed by slowly. At 12:30, Edea made a deep, sonorous yawn, and leaned her head against Agnes's shouder.

"No, we have to stay awake," Agnes said.

"Right, right, to catch that rat." Edea picked her head up and rubbed her eyes.

3:00 AM came and went without as much as a peep from outside. Eventually, the two began to hear a few light but rushed footsteps in the outside hall.

"It's them!" Edea hissed. "I know it's them! They must have stolen a key, and they're going to come in here any second!"

"Wait, Edea!" Agnes cried and reached out, but her friend paid her no heed. Edea bounced off the bed, carrying her bag of panties with her. She ran to the door and whipped it open, seeing a shady figure in the hall, shrouded in darkness and pulling something out of their pocket. Edea sprinted over and grabbed their shoulder.

"Not so fast! I know exactly what you're doing! You should be ashamed of yourself!" Her bag loudly thumped against her side.

"Huh?" The figure turned around, revealing it to be a hunch backed, elderly man. "Oh no! I though nobody would hear since it happened this late at night!"

_An old man? What a pervert!_

"Well you're dead wrong! I've caught you in the act!" Edea growled.

"Please, Miss," the old man begged, "Don't tell anybody! I would feel terrible if someone found out what I did."

"You deserve to feel terrible, you creep! Telling someone is the first thing I'm going to do!" Edea began to walk down the hall toward the front desk, ignoring the fact that nobody would be there at this hour.

"No Miss! No!" He croaked, grabbing her arm. "I couldn't help it! I got an urge and felt sick, and I just had to leave the room! It was just so sudden… You see, our room doesn't have a bathroom, and I tried to make it to the one in the lobby, but…. then the diarrhea came. I'm sorry. Please, I'll clean up this mess. Just don't tell anyone; I'd feel humiliated."

_Wait, what?_

That's when she noticed that the item he was pulled from his night shirt pocket was not a key, but a bundle of tissues and clothes, and that there was a suspicious liquid on his pants. Her gaze fell upon the floor just a few feet away from the man, and she quickly looked away.

"Oh… Mister, I'm so sorry," she said, feeling weak in the stomach. "I…I thought something else happened. I'm so sorry to have frightened you. I…um…I promise nobody will find out about this…Good night sir. Once again, my apologies."

She ran back into her room without giving him a chance to respond, and slammed the door shut. Agnes still sitting on the bed, and although it was dark, Edea could tell she had a stern look on her face.

"_Tha_t is what you get for jumping to hasty conclusions. You could have woken the whole inn up," she chided, crossing her arms. "Completely unacceptable."

"Well, it could have been the theif! It just happened not to be."

"And to think you didn't even offer to help the poor man….Sometimes I'm ashamed to be your friend, Edea."

"If you're just going to criticize me, you can leave now."

But Agnes ceased to speak more, and stayed. Edea returned to her watch position on her bed, not letting the bag out of her sight. Not a single soul touched it nor came into the room. After what seemed like forever, morning came, and they heard a knock at the door, along with a cheerful "Good morning!" from Tiz.

"I can't believe we didn't catch _anybody,_" Edea complained. She groggily crawled of the bed and opened the door, glaring at Tiz.

"So I bet you caught the thief, right?" He asked. "So now this whole disaster is over with?"

She didn't speak, instead giving him a nasty glance. If looks could kill, Tiz's body would be in one hundred and sixty-seven parts scattered throughout the inn, blood would be flooding through the halls and raining from the sky, drowning the entire town's population, and Edea would be fuming atop a throne of bones, repeatedly slapping his severed head's face.

"Oh…ok," he stuttered, slowly backing away from the door.

Agnes walked through the door and to his side, looking just as tired, before Edea slammed it shut.

"So the mission was not successful…" Tiz spoke as they walked to the dining hall for breakfast.

"No, it was not…" Agnes said.

Sitting on the edge of her dresser, kicking her feet back and forth in frustration, Edea checked her bag.

Nine pairs.

_I had it with me the whole time! Ugh, that man, he must have stuck his hand in and grabbed a pair really sneakily when I was distracted. Using his illness as an excuse, that's just despicable! I'll have to find him after training._


	4. Sight for the Blind

Upon arriving in Hartschild, the group had agreed to have a training session in five days' time to prepare them for infiltrating Starkfort, where they believed they could rescue Egil, a canary boy who knew an alternate route to get into the Temple of Fire. The original entrance had been completely destroyed, and the boy was their last hope. The two girls knew this training was necessary, and decided to go through with it despite their exhaustion.

Later that day, the group headed to a patch of barren plains eighty or ninety feet from the town. This was still considered a safe area; they had no chance of encountering any Sword Bearers.

"Tiz and I will spar with each other," Ringabel declared, "And you two may practice how you see fit. It seems as if working in smaller groups is more productive."

Agnes and Edea both woozily nodded their heads as Ringabel and Tiz walked a moderate length away. Edea unsheathed Ise no Kami and Agnes planted an elegant, purple, stone encrusted staff at her side.

Agnes thrusted the staff forward and muttered a few low words as a number of chunks of ice began to form in the air. They flew at Edea and she somewhat sloppily deflected them all. This was one of their normal routines: Agnes would summon various elements and objects for her friend to hit back and parry while she herself also had to dodge them.

Their lack of sleep soon took a toll on their performance, and Edea just barely hit a large orb of water back at Agnes. She began to spin out of its way, but her action was not quick enough and the orb struck her in the small of her back, toppling her. She clumsily fell to the ground and her white dress flew up, exposing her butt.

That had panties on.

Pink,

skimpy,

lacy ones,

with _Angels of the Earth _written across them.

Ones that a vestal as modest as Agnes should absolutely never have, under normal conditions.

Normal conditions that didn't involve panty snatching.


	5. Lying Coldly

"AGNES!" Edea roared, standing over her, not having even sheathed Ise no Kami.

Her friend flipped over and pulled her dress down, her face one of morbid shock and terror.

"DID I JUST SEE WHAT I THINK I SAW?"

Agnes didn't answer, still lying in a horrified, crumpled heap on the ground.

"ANSWER ME! SO CALLED "HUMBLE" VESTAL WHO SAYS I AM THE BAD FRIEND?"

"Um…uh…"

Edea leaned down and got in her face, intimidating her even more.

"It's not what it looks like. I… didn't do anything."

Edea thrust Ise no Kami toward her, blood from their last encounter with monsters still staining the edges.

"Yes, it's….what you think you saw," she cowered, afraid that her friend had something very awful and punishing in mind. After all, that was Edea for you.

"Why? Just why?"

"I…like to watch you when you sleep."

"What?!"

"You're really beautiful when you're like that. I mean, you're still beautiful all the time, but then even more so."

"….."

"There are spells for picking locks and for soundlessness. They….came in handy. And then one night, I saw the panties. And I thought: _Edea is wearing these! _So I took them and put them on. After that, I could not stop myself. But I made sure not to get caught, and since we sleep in such close quarters on the airship, that is why I didn't steal any on our way from Florem." She hung her head in shame and guilt, not wanting to look at her friend, her hands weakly splaying themselves in the dirt.

"I-I can't believe you! How could you! And a vestal of all people! And the night that you kept watch with me….How did you take them then, you sneaky bitch?"

"There is a spell for erasing memories…."

"Agnes, that is just creepy. Really, really creepy. I don't think even DeRosa would do something like that. If it weren't for the fact that you're my friend, and we still have to awaken the Fire and Earth crystals, I'd…I'd….." It didn't take Agnes much imagination to finish the girl's sentence. Edea stomped the dirt a few times and made a few furious punches in the air, growling and screeching in an almost feral manner. Agnes was afraid of what was to come. Then her friend's scary demeanor suddenly changed.

"But," Edea spoke in a much softer tone, sitting down on the ground next to her, "actually, you look good in them." She lowered her whole body to the ground, not caring she was dirtying her red blouse, whispering in Agnes's ear, "Positively fantastic."

"Oh…I-I do?"

"Yeah. I've never seen a girl wear panties like that."

"And..this….is a compliment?"

Edea nodded her head, donning a wide grin. The she briskly grabbed Agnes by the shoulders and fell on top of her, startling her.

"Edea!" Agnes shrieked, her necklace and black furs flying in the air from the impact.

"Shush," the other girl muttered, putting two fingers to her lips. Agnes's expression broke into an infatuated, drunken smile, and she cocked her head to the side. They rolled over and switched positions.

"This must be breaking…..so many scared vows," Agnes murmured. "So, so many."

"Who cares?" Edea said, hugging her tighter.

And for once, Agnes did something utterly unexpected.

"You're right. Who cares?" She nuzzled her face close to Edea's, her sun-tanned skin warm against the tundra girl's. She brushed her hands through her hair, taking out her bow, Edea doing the same with Agnes's headband. They threw them to the side and their hair, now uncontained, poofed and waved out, tangling itself amongst there intertwined bodies.

"Edea?" Agnes asked to get her friend's attention.

"Yeah?"

"This is acceptable."

Edea planted a kiss on Agnes's lips, who graciously gave one in return.

"I agree."

Tiz and Ringbel stood forty feet away, the girls having been completely unaware they were watching the whole time.

"Ringabel?" Tiz asked, unsure what to make of the situation.

"Quiet, Tiz," he sadly replied, waving his hand away from his friend, his posture drooping in depression. "Let me sulk alone."

* * *

><p>Author's Note:<p>

Well that was not how I expected to end it. It changed as I went along. Actually, the entire story changed. It was originally going to be a crossover with Blue Exorcist where Edea finds that a demon is stealing the panties and somehow learns of Rin and Yukio, and asks them for help. But then I decided to keep it regular to keep things simpler.

Also I didn't write anything about Airy because I wasn't quite sure how she'd fit in. Let's just pretend she was asleep the whole time or something like that.

Well I hope you enjoyed it! I'll be back to working on Turnabout Umbran.


End file.
